m1serabl3_n_stunn1ng | Recent Entries

hey dreamwidth. i know it’s been a while, but i was doing good for a bit. not so much anymore though.

i really need help. like seriously. i need to be in a place where people can help me. but i don’t get to have one of those places. so instead i do shit like cut myself and take shots hiding behind the wall in my kitchen.

i just can’t help but fuck things up. i really can’t. it’s like a talent at this point. i should go on game shows. but yeah, my dreamwidth friends. i am a self proclaimed ruiner! i have done it again!

i don’t know what my phobia against nice things is but it always catches up to me. i get something lovely and then i get scared. i get so scared. so fucking scared. it’s scary, nobody talks about how it’s scary. i’m scared that my nice things will bite me. so i bite them. and then things go bad and then i go on my little benders. i just can’t control myself. i don’t know why i can’t just live in peace. everybody else does it for fucks sake.

anytime you say you’re having trouble with a guy or something people always start like “ooo honey i knew he was a bad person.” you’re a fucking bitch, shut up. no you didn’t. and if you did you just didn’t tell me that cause i had to find out on my own right? bullshit. you don’t know anything. he’s not even a bad person. i’m a bad person. y’know what the common factor in all my relationships not working was? me! i’m the problem and the bigger problem is that i don’t know how to stop being the problem. i don’t know how to stop being mean. i don’t know how to stop being a bitch. i don’t know how to play nice. everything’s teeth gnashing and claws with me and i can’t seem to stop that side from slipping through.

if you read this some day, and i hope you know who you are. i love you. i love you a lot. i believe that i love you more than i’ve ever loved anything else. and i don’t know how you’re feeling right now, even though i wish i did, but i’m gonna say stuff anyways. i wish you could read my mind. i don’t think you fully understood how broken my brain can be at times. and maybe you did, and i haven’t given you the credit. but i am crazy. i feel crazy. i feel emotions in these intense waves and they crash heavy. it’s a suffocating ocean and you know how bad i am at swimming. red wrist band at summer camp bad. and i can’t control them and it’s only gotten worse since i was a kid, or maybe it never changed at all. maybe i still am a kid in this overgrown, teen, emo girl body. whatever it is, i can’t control myself. but you really, really make me want to, dammit. and i want to try to. but i don’t want to do it alone. and that’s the challenging part. because i don’t want to be alone but my broken little brain wants me to shove people like you away from me. and this is gonna sound nuts but i think the best thing somebody like you can do is ignore it. ignore the shoving. and i know it’s easier said then done but so is a lot of things about me.

i’m not the most mature person in the world. i throw fits. items. i spit in mirrors. i do all sorts of crazy weird shit. i’m full of regrets and i hate myself and i don’t know why. maybe it’s autism. maybe it’s something else. maybe i’m not supposed to know. maybe it’s a big universe prank on me. point is i am a crazy fucking bitch trying so hard to not be a crazy fucking bitch. and i’m so sorry that you have to witness it, but it’s inevitable. so if i decide i hate myself and shave my head on a whim, the normal, not crazy part of me just wants to know that she isn’t alone in this. that somebody cares about her, even if she doesn’t believe it. and maybe someday she will. and that she’s really, really sorry about all of her actions, past, present and future.

xoxo

Current Mood: guilty
Current Music: i love you By Billie Eilish

there is nothing on earth that i can do better then make myself sad.

there are days where i wake up and feel like susanna kaysen. which i guess makes sense considering the tags i use on here. i should rewatch that movie. there’s something relatable about her. which i know is probably corny to say, or something like that but it’s true. sometimes i wake up and feel like i’m going insane.

my cat halloween, got sick yesterday and i spent all night at the vet. he’s okay yet i haven’t slept since. i’m just happy he’s home and back to his usual schedule of sleeping and eatting and bothering people. love that little guy.

in other news, i got into a mild fight last night. set up a simple boundary and was met with what felt like annoyance at my expectations. so i hung up and cried a lot. i’ve spent a long time accommodating mistreatment and i promised myself i wasn’t going to do that anymore. i didn’t call back and i didn’t beg. doesn’t make anything easier however. i still feel like a bitch, which i don’t know if thats right or wrong.

i almost relapsed in the bath this morning. but i promised myself i wouldn’t do that anymore either. plus it’s summertime. i don’t post these to make people worry about me. i don’t really know why i post these. but just know that’s never my intention.

i remember almost every bad thing that’s ever been said to me. i’ve been compared to dogs. i’ve been sexualized and groomed and manipulated and threatened and forgive me if i don’t wish to be treated like a ragdoll anymore. and i’m not going to train a boy into a man. that’s a mother’s job and i’m not a mother yet. i’m not going to play house and beg for mercy. i expect apologies and respect nowadays. people will walk all over you until there’s nothing else to walk on. don’t let that happen because building yourself back up is never worth it and you’ll never bend yourself back into your perfect shape again. you never really notice how much people can change you. sometimes you feel like a jumble of wires and sometimes you feel like one of those copper bonsai trees.

there’s moments where i feel like i’m going to die. they’re mostly in cars. i don’t know why it’s so common.

i get startled for a moment and then i’m content. i hope it’s painless whenever i die.

i’ve been clean for 2 months and i just wanna say thank you to all the people in my life who make me happy. i love everyone so much. i hope everyone who’s postively impacted my life gets everything they ever want from this world. i have so much love to give but i have trouble expressing that sometimes. i love my boyfriend and my friends and my family and my cat even though i’m a rude hateful bitch sometimes (all the times).

xoxo

Current Mood: joy
Current Music: Fall From A Star by Kill Paradise

hey dreamwidthers. long time no see. i’ve been busy with work and among other things.

happy forth of july if you celebrate!

i saw fireworks in the city today. it was like one of the coolest firework shows i’ve ever seen and i’ve seen lots of those cause my parents are really into fireworks. it was bright and loud and all sorts of stuff. if i get to choose how i was gonna die i’d wanna do it like that. in a big chemical reaction in the sky and i turn 13 different colors and glitter and shine and everyone is like “whoa”. seems pretty cool to me.

but yeah. being in the city reminds me of new york, but just about everything reminds me of new york. driving through streets that look like manhatten and long island. they even have graveyards in residential areas! i know nothing will make me feel like i’m still there and nothing still ties me there either. two years homesick, fingerscrossed. still kicking however, to some people’s dismay.

my ex best friend recently texted in the long forgotten groupchat. he didn’t say anything valuable like an apology or anything. just “bruh”. nobody responded. it was really random. i wish i knew what he was trying to gain from that but i guess i’ll never know. he still sort of keeps me up at night, but it’s not as bad anymore. you just have to learn how to deal with the fact that you’ll never know why people decide to hurt you. you just have to get over it, or don’t and hate yourself forever. dealer’s choice.

i saw these beautiful apartments today, they looked all gothic and were almost on the outskirts of fort worth. i saw a future in those buildings. they were crazy. i don’t even know what the interior looks like but i love them anyways.

oh my gosh HOW could i forget. i finally went to my fall out boy show!!!!! it was epic. pete wentz was there. i bought two shirts, 18 bottles of water, 3 redbulls and i got two kandi bracelets!

i also recently got the worst 38 dollar haircut ever. my bangs are different fucking lengths you guys. it’s terrible. i’m still learning how to style it. wish me luck before my self esteem dies.

the moon is big and orange right now. i’m in a city and the air is cool. it almost feels like home but it’s too clean here. it’s still pretty. god i’ll never shut up about home. the day i stop talking about new york is the day an alien creature has stolen my identity and i must be shot on sight for the sake of the human race.

i have shitty internet right now so this probably won’t even go through. but if it does;

xoxo, go eat some fireworks you eagle-fucker.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Attention Reader by Pencey Prep

i dread the endings of movies and honeymoons,
rollercoaster rides and new jersey tidal waves.
different subjects, similar locations.
tell me something i don’t know.
tell me more about you.
let’s see how far i can pick you apart before you stutter, before you stumble, before i puke.
a bit of twist and turn, a little longer, a little harder,
tell me baby, do you love me more or less?
or anything you want, actually. i don’t mind.
give me a ride. save the gas money.
let the tank empty on it’s own and see how far we get on chump change and emptied soda cans.
tumble weeds and desolate roads can look so sweet with a lone ranger on your hip.
late sunsets, early dawns. similar shapes and colors.
rain or shine. stormy weather. everything’s different.
we’re together. sort of. half way.
see you soon. how about sunday? no?
tip tap. dial tone. pick up. clean up. carry on.
same songs on repeat each day of the week.
sorry for being bitter about it all.
you know i mean well, i just don’t do well.
xoxo. hugs and kisses.
you mean more than most and i do less than more.
1pm, hope to see you outside my door. <3

Current Mood: ditzy
Current Music: Beach Life-In-Death by Car Seat Headrest

small little life update sorta post.

my boyfriend is gonna move in about 30 days. something like that. he's gonna meet my parents this weekend so that me and him can actually hang out before he's 3 hours away. the selfish portion of me hopes that in a year or two we could rent some lame apartment about an hour and a half away from our families and live off of takeout cartons and probable college debt. i'll be the one in debt 'cause he probably has like 32 full scholarships. it would be simple and it would be sweet.

it feels weird thinking about things like that, just because i can't stop seeing the worst in my own future. i just feel like i hold people down sometimes. and maybe that's what my ex-stie felt like too. maybe i held on too tight and that's why he decided to ditch me. i wonder what he's up to sometimes. if he thinks about me. some stuff like that. i wish i got any closure at all about any of that but that's old news at this point. it's been 79 days since he last spoke to me anyway. the really bitchy part of me wishes all of his current friends would just drop dead so he'd come crying to me and i can tell him to choke on it, but that's never gonna happen.

things i want don't feel like things i deserve, but i'm beginning to think that isn't necessarily true. i'm glad that i feel like i'm healing, slowly but surely. i mean i still find your best american girl relatable but, baby steps. i don't think it's about getting good, i just think it's about getting better. i think people have convinced me that "being selfish" is just wanting things. i want lots of things and i want the ability to kick and scream and cry when i don't get them, but that doesn't mean i should get them, because eventually when you're done freaking out, you get up and move on. people try to rush my freaking out stage. i can still cry and get things done. crying isn't weakness or whatever you people think it is. it just is and i like doing it.

besides the point, i'm supposed to meet his parents too eventually and i'm kind of worried about it. it's supposed to be a more relaxed environment from what i've heard but that doesn't actually mean i'll be relaxed about it. i just really want them to like me and if they don't i might go home and throw up in my bathtub or something. that's not for a while however. jeez dude. i like this guy so much it's not even funny. GET A GRIP!!!! but if you're reading this i love you!!!! <3

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: By Your Side by Beachwood Sparks

i hope you can feel the love pour from my skin when i hold you in my hands <3

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Self Inflicted by Katy Perry

hiiiiii dreamwidth! long time no see once again!!!

i have great and awesome and cool news.

so remember how i was like "hey i got a new job" so at said job, i was paired up with this weirdcore ass dude. he's named after a city and has these neat wire glasses. i thought he was so good as this stupid popcorn job, it was literally blowing my mind. i was so impressed it was like embarrassing. on top of that, my friend got the job there too and our first day was the same one, so she met him too. besides the point. but by day two he was flirting with me? which was like a BIG thing for me to figure out because i don't know how to identify that shit at all. anyway i thought he was cute so i gave him mi numero cuz he was cute okay!!!! i am only a girl!!!! if some strange whimsical movie guy was lifting up 50 pound boxes for you, you would do it too. anyways we talked like A LOT and long story short i have a boyfriend now!!!!

he's literally the best thing that's ever happened to me. he's cute. he's talented. he knows so much about so many different things, it blows me away every time he speaks. he's so fucking smart. it's beautiful, he's like beautiful. he's so kind and lovely and PRETTY!!!! i wanna spend every waking hour around him which is probably a little obsessive, but i think he's just as delusional as i am. that's just a theory however. but he's fucking amazing!!!!!! i love him i love him i love him i love him!!!!!!!! he's like everything i've ever wanted and he's touchable!!! i can hold him!!!! it's just so many things i've never experienced before in my entire life. call me naive but i genuinely believe that he's incapable of hurting me.

i wish i didn't get in the way of myself with fears and anxieties and things like that. i want to stop worrying for him but it's so damn hard. but i'll get there one day. it's a free fall and i've been standing on the edge for a really long time. my legs are starting to hurt and i could jump if i had a hand to hold. [:

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Calculation Theme by Metric

i want to be unconditional weakness.

i want to drink with you, stumble over one another, tumble into floor boards and counter tops.

i want to yell at you until you get it.

i want lovely bruises strung over me in the shape of your lips.

i want to ruin everyone else for you.

i want a love designed to tear me apart. you rip out my insides and tie them in knots

i want to crumble just to be put back together again, better and newer, hand crafted delicately and held with care. i want you to know how to fix me right as it all begins to fall apart.

i want people to see us together and say “oh yeah, they’re made for eachother” in a tone dripping thick with envy.

i want a romance akin to the movies i rewatch over and over. even better than the day dreams and the love songs. a romance even hollywood couldn’t recreate.

i want to be fine art, immortalized beside you as your worst mistake or your final destination.

i wanna know every single thing about you. even the things you chose to forget and i want to hold them all close and love each of them unconditionally.

i want to fall and be caught.

i want your mind to be my second home.

i want to be encased in your ribs. i want to hold my hands against your chest and feel your heart beat beneath my fingers. fall asleep to the rhythm and wake up to it. my own personal white noise.

i’ll be your own personal person. a chef, an artist, a knight, a flower, a corpse. something heavy to hang when the loose ends come up.

anything you want, need, imagined or dreamed of.

i want you to trust me with a knife to your throat and enjoy if it cuts. relish in the pain of my design. i want to taste your blood as i clean the wounds from your neck.

i want to be a prized possession best kept held close. i want you as dedicated to me as i am to you.

i want to be so close we’re practically one. i want our movements to mirror one another when we’re in two different places and we’ll never know it happens but always have the idea.

i want to share clothes, and space, and air.

i want to be held down. tied up and tangled with no desire to flee.

i want to sleep in your bed and see you in mine.

i want to feel alive. i want to be alive and i want to do it with you.

if only you knew how often you cross my mind.

Current Music: Let’s Go To Bed by The Cure

hey guys!!! long time no see! i recently got my first job and i’ve been pretty busy so that’s why i haven’t really been posting!

in other news. i think i’ve come to a bit of a realization. i don’t think i like being seen as a person.

it’s like i want to be a perfect object. i don’t really want to have to think about things or do things. i just want to sit on a shelf like a doll until someone needs me. i don’t know what the deal with all that is. or my constant need for approval or attention. but i know it’s there. i think i’m okay with it too.

Current Music: Male Fantasy by Billie Eilish

i live in "apartment homes", something that i didn't know was a thing until i moved here. they're like single standing apartments that have like maybe one more person living above you or something like that. i don't know how to explain them. frankly, i think they're weird. but anyways, my apartments have 3 communal laundromats and i've yet to have a great experience with them.

last weekend, i did my laundry and it fucked up my clothes because those washers suck and i swear it made them dirtier. so i refused to wear any of those clothes for a week or sleep with my blanket because it grossed me out. so my mom told me she would take me to a local laundromat and she did this weekend. and i don't know why but it was the happiest i'd been in a while.

it was just a normal crowded laundromat. it wasn't silent and cramped like the ones at the apartment. and it didn't have the top load washers like the one at the apartment either. i hate the top load ones. there's something wrong with them that i can't really place but i don't like them. but the one's at this laundromat weren't top load. they had the glass door like the one's in new york around the corner. and there was a deli right by the laundromat too. i bought two strawberry monsters. and i was so happy.

i also bought a packet of saltines but they were totally stale.

but it felt like home for a moment.

when i lived in new york, i never stopped complaining about it. how i hated seeing the same things over and over. how i hated never leaving our apartment. how little nature was around. i liked long island and i liked summer camp. they had beaches and trees. and nobody would drive down the block at 2am blasting shitty music from their car. i loved the suburbs in the movies and that's what i thought i wanted.

sure, things in new york weren't great. if you turned on the microwave while the air conditioner was running, you'd blow a fuse and have to go down four stories to fix it in that weird creepy basement. and maybe i saw the same things every single day but i would do anything to see them now. i miss my apartment. i hold on to memories and the world moves on around me.

i think maybe if i never moved i would still be friends with those people who hurt me now. and i never would've gotten hurt in the first place. but then i wouldn't've known that they were capable of hurting me and i think there's more value in the present then trying to recover the past.

there's nothing for me in the places i used to be.

i think i get off topic when i do posts like this. i miss new york. i love my current friends, maybe more than they love me but i think i'm okay with that. i can only love and hope to be loved. i'm at home in the pain and i'm trying not to be. and there's people i miss and there's people i wish i could put in my pockets and take everywhere. i want to show people things. i want them to find comfort in what i am the same way i find comfort in crowded laundromats and stale deli crackers.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Smile Like You Mean It by The Killers

i haven't even had this account for that long, but i'll reread old entries and think about editing or deleting parts i find cringe or disagree with or information from dead dreams that isn't all that relevant anymore... but i don't.

this is a diary, written in pen with blood red ink. you can't get rid of ink. blood stains.

this is about learning to love myself. so even if i don't agree with my past self anymore, why stop him from existing?

my nails are finally getting longer.

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Hot As Ice by Britney Spears

“i want you to get happy. is that too much to ask?”

i just got a 17 on a math quiz. kill me.

i feel like people's attention spans are gonna get so bad that we just won't have enough patience to breathe, so we'll all just die and that'll be the end of the human race. kids and their damn phones.

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: Catcher In The Rye by Guns N' Roses

i hung glow in the dark stars from my ceiling, yet the night is too bright to see them.

it's strange how the creaking of my mattress sounds like the creak of a freshly used noose.

these thoughts may not seem related, but they are.

i hurt my feet tiptoeing today, trying to hang up my stars.

even in suburbia, there's the light pollution of a city.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Champion by Fall Out Boy

things rarely turn out the way i want them to be.

currently i am having another episode. i’m so unhappy. which is fine. it’s an emotion i’m sorta used to.

i stayed home from school today because of it, which was actually rather enjoyable. i love entire days of rotting in bed. i feel like the only time i get any peace of mind is when i’m sitting alone in my room and the world is passing me by and hopefully forgetting of me.

i feel like i never know what to say to anyone. it’s like i’m playing a video game and i’m constantly picking the wrong dialogue options.

[insert name here] will remember that!

great. could they please not? if i had a super power it would be memory erasure. anytime i embarrassed myself in front of anyone or said something i shouldn’t’ve, i can just wipe myself from their memories. there’s many people who i wish would forget i exist.

i think the main reason i would want to be alone forever is because i’m so scared i’ll just disappoint anyone who gets close to me. i’m moody, and bitchy and a huge crybaby. i’m not very fun to be around since i’m always hung up on the past. i spend a lot of my time wondering why people even bother with me and i still to this day don’t really understand why.

i wish i could go back in time and pinpoint the exact events that made me percieve myself this way. what actions or choices led me into believing all these things about myself. who caused it, or if it was all unavoidable and i’m just built this way.

today my so much (for) stardust vinyl came in. i bought the blue one. i always say red is my favorite color but i think i secretly really like the color blue. that’s probably a metaphor for something. i really love this album. it’s like my 5th fav fob one. i hope fob 9 is similar if there is such a thing. i really hope my chem hops on the 2023 album trend too. i also watched the great gatsby today. we’re reading it in english class (like how most people discover the great gatsby) and i thought the movie seemed cool. and it was!! rip myrtle. i really enjoyed the costumes and the set design! i just wish the soundtrack was better.

xoxo

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: So Much (For) Stardust by Fall Out Boy

i hate watching Kirsten Dunst movies because she looks like my eldest sister and then it just reminds me of what she did. she's a pretty lady though

my dad is very into star wars. like super into it. and i understand why, i get the appeal. they're probably good movies, i don't really remember them. he's also into modeling, like creating planes and painting them and such. he hasn't really done it since i was born, i just know it's something he mentioned doing in the past. i inherited the trunk he kept all of the modeling tools in. it's in storage right now.

sometime last year he order a DIY model of the millennium falcon. it was pretty expensive, maybe a hundred dollars or so. he gave it to me and told me to build it for him, since he didn't have the time with work and all. so i said yes because i was feeling nostalgic about legos and thought it would be fun and familiar.

it was pretty fun but somewhere along the line, there was a piece missing. now i don't know if i had lost the piece in my room somewhere or if it had just never come with that piece to begin with, but it wasn't there. so i finished up the model and gave it to him anyways, hoping that he wouldn't notice.

within about the first day of having it on his desk, he noticed the holes in the side of the ship. they weren't even large. just three, single millimeter-sized holes. nobody would've noticed them except for me and him.

he ended up throwing the ship out. he never returned it or bought a new one, just got rid of it. the box sat at the bottom of his trashcan for weeks. you may call that a waste of money, because, well it is. but still.

sometimes he'll still bring it up in passing and i'll ask questions.

"if it wasn't broken, would you have painted it?"

"yeah, probably."

i don't think he'll ever know how much it bothers me too.

Current Music: Fly Like An Eagle by Steve Miller Band

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Page generated Jun. 19th, 2025 03:27 am

public diary of an attention whore

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